That place between

I have few regrets over choosing the lifestyle change that I did. I am pleased with where my life has taken me. What I can say, is that I regret leaving the way I did. I like to think that it was as sudden and fierce as it felt, but looking back now I can admit it was a gradual build up that I should have been more attentive to. It’s not to say that I wouldn’t do most of it over again, but I like to think I would have given more notice to my superiors. People often ask me why I left. I give different answers, but none of them are lies. There are lots of things that lead to big decisions. Some of them I will share with you here, over time. Some of them I won’t. Some of them even I don’t yet know. The best way I can describe all of it to (perhaps appropriately, given my locale) use the ocean, starting from the first day of work: In the beginning, I stayed way back on shore. The water was threatening. I didn’t know what was in there. I was afraid that I didn’t belong there

I spend a lot of my time competing with my toddler for my computer. She likes to slam the laptop shut and smash the keys when I'm trying to do something. If I happen to have computer time without tiny fingers, she will find a way to beckon me over for bouncing on the tiny trampoline or running up and down the tiny staircase her grandpa Nick made for her. Right now, at 8:30 on a Monday night, I am having a moment of time because her dad is holding her. The problem is now that I'm free, I have no idea what I had been trying to get out all weekend... I did jot down notes. I have notepads I carry around in my pocket and my purse and leave in places for easy finding. I have pens and pencils and all of the tools I need to keep my thoughts together. When it comes time to sit down, I find myself either unable to find these notes or I find myself deciding that all of the scribbles no longer make sense like they once did... Writing is a part of me. It is what I think about when I&

Some people call their family when they go into labor and are having their first born. We called to help raise our first house. It wasn't that it was a large home or particularly difficult undertaking as it was a time constraint - we were closing on the land on January 22nd and wanted to be into the house by April 1st.  On top of that, we needed to do so while Ross continued to work a full time job as an employee at Creative Visions in Monterey and getting time off for the project was difficult. In stepped his mom and dad, Nick and Cathy. When they came, his sister Anji followed shortly thereafter.  Suddenly we had half a dozen people standing at the wheels of our base floor lain trailer, ready to raise the roof, as it were. The framing for the walls was like magic.  Words were passed quickly back and forth between father and daughter, sister and brother, mother and son.  Jeff and I wedged in where we could, took commands when they came and did what we could where we fit.  T

If it seems like I am babbling, reaching, or otherwise not making too much sense, it's because I'm doing exactly those things in the search for that piece of inner wisdom. I have the best of intentions when it comes to writing a blog. When I make that first post, I am confident I will write at least a little bit every day. Sometimes, my head is full of a million ideas I can write about, but I don't jot them down. I just roll them around in my head until I get distracted and then I go find something else to do. There is, after all, always an excuse to *not* write. If I don't write today, I can just chuck it all up to a failure and say I tried writing and it didn't work out for me again. I want to do that because it's the easier way out. I want to do that because then I can't *actually* fail so much as I can just say I did and not have to put forth the effort and see how it pans out. Honestly, I know it is part of my depression and anxiety that holds m

I can think of no better way to start than to tell you a little (or a lot) about me and mine. I am a wife and a mother. I once helped run a business, but I realized one day that I did not have the gumption to do the sorts of things that management had to do. That is, I could not figure out how to fire people that didn't know how to do their job, as I was too sympathetic to the woes of being human. Granted, it is not to say that other people who do these jobs see other than what I saw, but that I myself did not have the spirit to look someone in the eye and tell them they were not good enough, even when they weren't. In stories that are too long to tell here and now, I myself had been told that too many times as a child and didn't have it in me to tell it to others, even if it were to the benefit of the company itself. People who do hiring and firing need to exist in this world, and I consider them very strong people. I do NOT consider myself to be this particular type